Winnipeg Cult Leader to Hold Massive ‘Anti-Seatbelt’ Rally in Steinbach

STEINBACH, MB

A Winnipeg-based cult is hoping to gather a following in the Steinbach area by holding the most pathetic and uncreative attempt at a publicity stunt their simple minds could come up with: a drive-in anti-seatbelt protest at A.D. Penner Park. So far, however, locals, have been unimpressed.

“I mean, get your act together, cult leaders! They’re not even serving Kool-Aid,” said one local woman. “What amateurs. Geez, for a brand new cult, their ideas sure lack creativity. You’d think they’d at least have a light show or something.”

The cult leader was quick to assure locals that while there may not be an epic laser light show, his cult has plenty to offer.

“We offer freedom! We’re compassionate people who care only about preserving our rights,” said Anti-Seatbelt leader Culty McCultface, slithering up to a local woman. “Did God really say you must be subject to every human institution and submissive to rulers and authorities? Did he really say you must wear seatbelts or die? You will not certainly die.”

McCultface believes he will be protected from any and all harm, which is why his cult teaches followers to forgo seatbelts, jaywalk into traffic, run red lights, cut their airbags, and drive with summer tires in winter.

“We also don’t bother with corrective lenses and driver’s licenses,” said McCultface. “We worship a higher power.”

However, lest anyone be uncertain as to the subject of his worship, McCultface wanted to make things clear.

“I don’t know why there was any confusion about this. We serve the Devil,” said McCultface. “Our sheer disregard for the health and safety of ourselves and the community around us should have shown you that. What more evidence do you need?”

Area Satanists were quick to distance themselves from McCultface and the Anti-Seatbelters, saying they really didn’t want to be associated with a vile group like that either.

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