ST. JOHN’S, NFLD
Attracted by all the natural resources and fiddle music, US President Donald Trump is in serious negotiations today with the Canadian government to purchase the island of Newfoundland lock, stock, and barrel.
“There’s tremendous opportunity there. Tremendous,” tweeted Trump. “I guarantee you, we’ll be kissing cods in Manhattan in no time!”
Rebuffed in his attempt to purchase Greenland from Denmark, Trump is now seeking other northern climes with stuff he likes.
“They’ve got Great Big Sea–what more to do I need to say?” said Trump, already half in the can with screech rum. “Oh, and I’ve heard nothing but excellent things about The Duke of Duckworth!”
Reports suggest Trump has offered two million dollars and a bucket of extra-crispy Kentucky Fried Chicken in exchange for Newfoundland, but says he’s willing to negotiate.
“Those Canadians better sell me Newfoundland or it’s going to be a very nasty hockey season for everyone up there,” said Trump. “I know some powerful people. Let’s just see how many Canadian teams make the playoffs next year. Try me!”
If the Newfoundland deal doesn’t work out, Trump plans to work on getting himself a sizeable chunk of Saskatchewan because he wants to see their “world famous seal hunt” for himself.