TORONTO, ON
After witnessing the incredible healing powers of his touch, hip-hop superstar and NBA megafan Drake has been hired by the Toronto Raptors as official team trajchtmoaka.
“It’s a new position for us. Something we picked up from our time with the Mennonites,” said Raptors Head Coach Nick Nurse. “But let me tell you, that Drake can knips and knack. He’s more than just a rapper. I mean, he’s a real talent.”
Nick Nurse says that after getting a brief court-side massage from Drake, he’s already scheduled a full one-hour treatment for later this week.
“He’s got a massage bench in his garage out in Leamington I think,” said Nurse. “Best of all, you can pay your bill in ice cream pails of freshly picked mushrooms!”
Unfortunately for the Raptors, the NBA has ordered Drake to keep his hands off during games.
“What they do in their spare time up to them. I mean, we all need to visit the trajchtmoaka once in a while. But when you’re on the court, keep your hands to yourself,” said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver. “Quite frankly I’m not too comfortable with all the hand shaking that goes on after the game, either.”
Drake could not be reached for comment as he was too busy working on his latest auto-tuned single and/or getting massage lessons from Mr. Wiebe over in Jantsied.
(photo source: Youtube)
