I was in church this morning. It was just me and Pastor Dave. It wasn’t bad, but the sermon felt a little personal, you know? Well, anyway, since you’re all out camping, I’ve decided to compile this list of top ten things for Mennonites to do at the lake this long weekend.
10. Read Daily Bonnet articles around the campfire. Sometime this evening after the sun goes down and kids are sound asleep in the two-room tent, grab a few beers and read your favourite Daily Bonnet articles to each other. Trust me, after a few beers they’re much funnier.
9. Have very quiet and discreet meddachschlop. We all know that tent walls are paper thin, and we all know how loud Henry gets during meddachschlop, so this weekend please keep it quiet during your afternoon “nap”.
8. Play the Mennonite game with neighbouring campers. It’s unlikely that your fellow campers will be Mennonite. Some might be French Canadian or maybe Icelandic if you’re out near Gimli somewhere. It’s a whole lot easier playing the Mennonite game if you just stay in Blumengart, but since you’re out at the lake, you can at least attempt to see how closely you’re related or perhaps conduct an ecumenical council of some sort.
7. Go swimming in a modest one-piece bathing suit. It’s hot out there, folks. By far the best way to beat the heat is to completely cover yourself head-to-toe in a modest swimsuit (think 1920s style) and head out into the waters. Be careful you don’t damage your bloomers.
6. Cook some formavorscht burgers. While everyone else is eating mere hamburgers, made from oh-so-pedestrian ground beef, you will rule the roost with your farmer sausage burgers. Just make sure Uncle Allan doesn’t eat too much like he did last year when he had to have his stomach pumped.
5. Complain about your local sports team. With the Canadian Football League season in full swing, it’s the perfect time to whine about the bad call that cost your team the game last week. American Mennonites are more than welcome to join us in complaining about the Bombers and/or Riders…especially the Riders.
4. Amass a Guinness record-setting pile of knackzoat. With thousands of Mennonites attempting the record this weekend, you’re going to have to consume more than your usual 4 or 5 bags of Spitz or Ronnie’s to stand a chance. The record, by the way, is held by the Friesen family of Halbstadt who amassed a pile weighing in at 3.53 tonnes at a camping trip in the Whiteshell back in 1995.
3. Treat little Murray’s mosquito bites. After refusing to wear bug-spray, your 8-year-old son Murray is more than likely covered in itchy bites. You could be like my Mom and just leave him to scratch himself silly, telling him that it’s “life lesson,” or you could take pity and apply ointment. I hear Wonder Oil works well.
2. Treat little Murray’s poison ivy and/or sunburn. Ach, if it’s not one thing it’s another with that Murray. You could threaten to go right back home this instant if Murray doesn’t start behaving, but that would mean you might make it back home in time for the evening service and you wouldn’t want to do that. So, you better just stay at the lake and apply yet another medical treatment to the poor soul.
1. Prepare your apology speech for having missed church. Having missed church this weekend, you’re going to have to stand in front of the congregation and apologize next Sunday. You might also add to the list the beer you drank, your wild meddachschlop, your immodest bathing suit, your gluttonous consumption of burgers and knackzoat, your bad attitude about the local sports team, and your inability to control the behaviour of your undisciplined son Murray. It seems, after this weekend, you’ll have a lot to confess. Good luck.
(photo credit: RichardBH/CC)