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schmaunt fat

Food and Drink

Local Pastor Reassures Paranoid Congregation: “Don’t Worry, Chem Trails are Just Schmaunt Fat”

January 19, 2021 Andrew

R.M. of RHINELAND, MB After months of growing paranoia, a local pastor has decided to address a matter that was plaguing the minds of some of his more circumspect congregants. “Chem trails are nothing to […]

Food and Drink

Heretical Mennonite Man Smothers Perogies in Sour Cream

July 13, 2020 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Local man, Abe Sawatzky, 67, shocked a whole table of cousins at faspa on Friday after foregoing the schmaunt fat and smothering his cottage cheese perogies in sour cream instead. “Diewel devil shinda! […]

Mennonite Life

Donald Trump Labelled ‘Morbidly Obese’ After a Few Plates of Mennonite Food

May 21, 2020 Andrew

WICHITA, KS House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is attributing Donald Trump’s “morbid obesity” to a recent visit he took to Russian Mennonite country in Kansas, where he reportedly consumed three heaping bowls of komst borscht, fifteen […]

Food and Drink

Mennonites Worried Bill Gates is Microchipping the Schmaunt Fat

May 15, 2020 Andrew

REDMOND, WA Billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates has been the subject of a wide variety of speculation as of late. ‘Just why is he suddenly so concerned about our health and well-being after subjecting us to […]

Food and Drink

Shocking New Photos Show Dramatic Glacier Retreat

January 9, 2020 Andrew

GRETNA, MB New photos released by the National Society for the Preservation of Glaciers reveal a dramatic retreat of the famous Gretna Glacier. “If you look at the photos side by side, you can see […]

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