A report out of the University of Southern Lancaster suggests that really shallow, repetitive, self-indulgent ‘Praise and Worship’ songs are a full 20% more pleasing to the Lord than the boring old hymns.
“I’m pretty sure the Lord prefers my epic guitar solo to some crappy old hymn with meaningful words and stuff,” said local worship leader Austin Holmes. “Also, the more times a worship song uses the word ‘I’ the better.'”
The study asked members of contemporary evangelical churches to listen to both hymns and modern choruses and then rate their feeling of ‘total awesomeness’ on a scale of one to ten.
“I’ve never felt as close to my lord Hillsong as I did during last week’s service,” said one congregant. “I just don’t get the same feeling when singing some stupid old hymn.”
The study also showed that churches received 50% more money in the offering when they played emotional music while the plates were passed.
“Clearly the Lord enjoys solipsistic drivel to hymns,” said Holmes. “And I don’t blame him. The songs are totally rad!”
(photo credit: Camille King/CC)