Outgoing President Obama took time out of his schedule on his last Independence Day as President to admit that everything his detractors and conspiracy nuts have ever said about him is completely and utterly true.
“I’d just like to hold off on the fireworks for a second here,” Obama said, “and tell you all something that’s been on my chest for quite a while.”
With the First Lady and his two children at his side, Obama addressed the nation and told them that, yes, his marriage to Michelle is a sham to mask his sexual orientation, he was born in Indonesia, he’s actually a Muslim, he’s a staunch Marxist, he faked bin Laden’s death, his real dad was Malcolm X, he plans to confiscate all guns in the last few months he has remaining, his campaign was funded by drug money, and that he is, in fact, the Antichrist just as everyone suspected.
“After Donald Trump is sworn in as President, I will take over as the Masonic Leader of Monsanto. It’s not as prestigious as President, but the pay is better,” confessed Obama. “I’m also glad that I’ll finally have time to complete my hajj.”
After the speech, 40-year-old conspiracy theorists in their parent’s basements crowded message boards and cited online satirical articles to confirm every paranoid thought they ever had.
“I told you so,” said blogger immuchmoreattractivethanmyprofilepicturesuggests76, “I knew I was right about that guy.”
According to completely reliable sources that someone found somewhere on the Internet, Obama also wholeheartedly endorsed Donald Trump for president before attending evening prayers and peeing on the flag.
(photo credit: dcblog/CC)