LOS ANGELES, CA
It was no white Ford Bronco this time. Just yesterday, former football and crime sensation OJ Simpson was spotted fleeing down the freeway in a Mennonite buggy, backing up traffic for miles and leaving horse manure all over the street.
“Let’s face it. I’m no spring chicken anymore. I’m 70 years old,” said O.J. “I don’t have the reaction time to handle a motorized vehicle these days.”
Simpson reportedly purchased the buggy on a recent trip to Indiana and claims he “got a really good deal.”
“I was at the used buggy lot there in Wakarusa,” said O.J. “They drive a hard bargain, but they offered a reasonable interest rate and the first month’s payment was free. I’m just disappointed the buggies didn’t come in white.”
The horse and buggy chase, which occasionally reached speeds of up to 12 mph, was picked up by CNN, who temporarily left their coverage of liberals yelling about stuff to broadcast the historic escape.
“We don’t know what O.J. is thinking. Perhaps he’s trying to convey that he’s a changed man by associating with the non-violent Mennonites,” said Don Lemon. “If that’s what he thinks, he’s obviously never been to a Mennonite lady’s sewing circle–those can get pretty nasty.”
The chase lasted more than an hour before the television audience got bored and went back to bing-watching The Walking Dead.
(photo credit: David Lee/CC/modified)