Donald Trump is “super pumped” today after the Mueller Report completely left out any mention of the Russian Mennonites.
“I’ve been totally exonerated,” said Trump. “I know Crooked Hillary and the Dems were trying to say I had some kind of relationship with the Russian Mennonites. Trading secret recipes they claimed. Well, I’m glad to put this matter to rest.”
The investigation, which had been going on for months, compared recipes in the White House with those of the Mennonite Treasury Cookbook and found too few similarities to drawn any conclusions.
“We’re not exonerating him, but we’re not saying he did it either,” said Mueller. “There were some strong parallels between his butter tarts and those found in the cookbook, but his didn’t have raisins, so, you know…”
Other variations on Russian Mennonite recipes included a chicken soup recipe that left out the star anise and a variation on kielke that included two pinches of salt rather than just one.
“While we haven’t been able to prove he colluded with the Russian Mennonites,” said Mueller. “We’re still not ruling out the very real possibility he colluded with the Swiss.”