Monsanto Buys Naming Rights to Mennonite Church

FRIEDRICHSTAHL, KS

With church funds at an all-time low, the Friedrichstahl Mennonite Church was desperate to fund their new church expansion. That’s why controversial agrochemical giant Monsanto decided, out of the generosity of their hearts, to step in and provide the needed funds.

“We’re so happy to be able to help these Mennonites get their new gym built or whatever it is they need the money for,” said a company press release. “It’s just one way of showing that we really truly care about people.”

The new church will now be called the Evangelical Brethren of Monsanto and the congregation, which is entirely made-up of farmers, will be required to use Monsanto products on their crops or be tossed out of the church.

“It’s a small price to pay, really,” said local farmer and Monsanto Church member Abe Schwartz. “All hail Monsanto!”

The new Church of Monsanto has also changed their statement of faith to include 5 Point Calvinism and a commitment to destroy the Earth as quickly as possible so as to “hasten the day of the Lord’s return.”

(photo credit: by occupyreno_media/CC)

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