PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA
The Daily Bonnet is now under the control of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea and we require that all Mennonites turn from their ways and commit themselves to Kim Jong-un.
Based on our research about Mennonites, here are some glorious completely true facts about Our Dear Leader that you may find enlightening:
- Dear Leader was able to extract one thousand litres of milk from a cow in the Paraguayan Chaco without even touching her udder.
- Dear Leader initiated the Radical Reformation in 1521
- Dear Leader’s great-great-grandmother is in the Kornelsen Book
- The very first time Dear Leader played Crokinole, he scored one hundred 20s in a row.
- Dear Leader has been fluent in over 1000 languages, including Plautdietsch, since he was an infant and as a toddler wrote a 1000-page epic Plautdietch novel entitled Aufdreie Dien Bräajen
- Dear Leader is the only pacifist ever to kill over one million people
- Dear Leader is of such superior physical condition that he does not need suspenders to hold his pants up
- Dear Leader bathes each day in a tub filled with schmaut fat and the tears of virgins
We are aware that the Bolsheviks attempted to convert some of you in the 1920s, but they were weak and their efforts were futile. However, now that we have taken over the Daily Bonnet, we expect much better results. Once all Mennonites move to North Korea as commanded, Dear Leader plans to rename South Korea as Jantsied, while North Korea, of course, will be known as Ditsied.
North Korea is a land of plenty with roll kuchen fields as far as the eye can see.
So, comrades, please beat your plowshares into nuclear weapons and join us!
(Photo credit: by (stephan) )