Days after the 3-D printing of Mennonite recipes was legalized by the Supreme Court, Mr. Klassen of Abbotsford successfully printed every single recipe in the Mennonite Treasury Cookbook and promptly divorced his wife of 20 years saying he “didn’t need her services anymore.”
“This 3-D printer is a miracle worker. You just type in a few numbers and out comes the zwieback!” said Klassen. “Sure, the schmuant fat tastes a little off, but it’s worth it for the independence it brings.”
After his divorce, Klassen said he planned to live in a basement suite in Clearbrook for the rest of his life, surrounded by his collection of Sears catalogues from the 1980s and Star Wars figurines that were still in their original packaging. He also plans to be surrounded by his own filth and loneliness.
“The 3-D printer has eliminated any need I ever had for female companionship,” said Klassen. “Quite frankly, I don’t think I’ll ever need to leave the house or put on a pair of pants anymore.”
The 3-D printer has been banned by many Mennonite churches who claim it can be used for a weapon to break up families.
“If they can 3-D print farmer sausage, soon all the Mr. Klassens and Mr. Pletts will be leaving their marriages and living in basement suites alone,” said Reverend Doug. “I mean, women will be leaving their husbands, too. With this machine, any Mennonite man can easily be replaced by just 3-D printing a big lazy wad of plastic and propping in on the couch.”
Reverend Doug preached an hour-long sermon warning against the new technology.
“The only thing holding our marriages together is the lack of 3-D printing,” said Reverend Doug. “We must not allow this new apparatus to destroy our way of life.”
The peculiar-coloured and odd-tasting faspa this Sunday led to rumours that it, too, had been 3-D printed, although others suggested it had just been Mrs. Dueck’s turn to be in charge and her faspa all “tastes a little suspect.”
(photo credit: Ann Larie Valentine/CC)