The body mass index is used to measure a person’s relative health based on their weight and height. Unfortunately, the traditional BMI does not work for Mennonites. Instead, Mennonite doctors recommend that you use the Body Mennonite Index. Here’s how it works!
The length (in inches) of formavorscht you consume in a week
your height (including black hat or bonnet) in inches
the number of hours you spend cleaning the pig sty and/or kissing your cousin Bertha behind the barn (both are equally rigorous)
NOTE: Unbaptized Mennonites need to multiply their answer by 2.
severely under-Mennonite weight – 29 and under
under-Mennonite weight – 30-40
normal Mennonite weight – 40-50
over-Mennonite weight – 50-60
obese (even for a Mennonite) – 60 and over