MENLO PARK, CA
There was a surge in productivity across the globe today as Facebook and Instagram experienced unprecedented down time.
“I can’t believe all the shit I got done today,” said local credit union employee Ms. Unger. “I got so far ahead I think I could take the next couple weeks off.”
Mr. Penner at the local window factory said he dipped more windows in the dipping room today than he ever had before in his entire forty-year window-dipping career.
“It’s amazing all the time I waste on Facebook every day,” said Penner. “Man, I worked so hard today, these people should give me a raise!”
Wall Street took note of the unplanned outage, with stocks across the board soaring to new heights.
“Productivity has been so high during the social media outages that companies are already adjusting their quarterly estimates,” said financial analyst Mr. Toews. “They’re really raking it in. Well, everybody but Facebook, that is.”
The Ontario government, which announced this week it would be banning Facebook in public schools, has already modified the legislation. “Meh, whatevs,” said the new law.