After significant public pressure, Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump has finally released his tax returns and the results are quite unexpected. Although the documents show that Trump has not paid any federal taxes for decades, they also reveal that Trump was a regular tither at his local Mennonite church.
“Taxes are for suckers and poor people,” said Trump. “It’s true. I don’t pay taxes. That makes me smart. On the other hand, there’s just no way to avoid paying a 10% tithe to the Mennonite church.”
Trump explained that loopholes and tax havens have allowed him to avoid paying his fair share for the services he receives as an American citizen, but there simply was no way to avoid paying the Mennonites.
“Try as I might, I just couldn’t find a suitable tithe haven. You can hide your wealth in Swiss accounts all you want,” said Trump. “But sooner or later the elders are gonna get their cut.”
Trump originally said he would only release his tax records when Hillary released the contents of her 30,000 emails, but decided to go ahead and do it anyway because he figured it would make him look like a good Christian young man.
“People love me. Everybody loves me. Mennonites love me,” said Trump. “I pay my tithe, so who are they to complain?”
However, Mennonite elders were quick to point out that the size of Trump’s donation may be less than it appears.
“To be honest, we really wish he wouldn’t be such a faithful tither,” said Elder Yoder. “What’s 10% of minus 500 million? He’s bankrupt so many companies over the years, that when Trump pays his tithe, the church actually owes him money.”
(Photo credit: by Gage Skidmore/CC)