Cult Leader Really Hoping to be Arrested on Live TV

DOMMHEIT, MB

Cult leaders across Canada have been doing everything they can to get themselves arrested on live television.

“I’m stalling until the TV crews get here,” said Dommheit cult leader Pastor Timmy Thiessen. “This is my big chance! You can’t buy this kind of publicity. The public will be flocking to my cult…well, at least until they find out that membership requires a dramatic change in dress code.”

The Dommheit Cult has racked up thousands of dollars worth of fines over the last few months, but Pastor Timmy says it’s worth the price.

“It feeds into our persecution complex,” said Pastor Timmy. “Every time the police show up here I can turn to my flock and say, ‘See, look, they’re coming to get us! They hate us! It’s just like 1 John 3:13 if you take it wildly out of context.”

Pastor Timmy believes himself to be a modern day martyr and believes his upcoming arrest will place him alongside the great Christian martyrs of the past.

“There is no greater proof that you’re doing something right than that the world opposes you,” said Pastor Timmy. “Just look at Apostle Paul, John the Baptist, and Dirk Willems. They, too, died in selfish anti-science crusades against public health orders or something like that.”

Pastor Timmy is now declaring himself a prophet of God since he predicted he’d get arrested after spending months doing everything in his power to make that happen.

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