Local Cult Gets Their Own Reality Show

AYLMER, ON

The History Channel is excited to announce a new addition to the 2021 lineup. Starting next Sunday, some self-proclaimed Apostles and a wacky cast of sidekicks will restore worn out churches brought in from across the country.

“Got a rusty old church that believes in scriptural authority above that of some dude in a beard from Aylmer? Well, we can fix that right up there for you!” said Apostle Hank. “Has your church shown the love of Christ through their respect for the health and well being of others? Well, we can solve that issue for you too!”

The cost of turning a moderate or progressive Christian church into a wacko fundamentalist cult will range from $4500 to $7300 depending on parts and labour.

“I guarantee you won’t ever see such incredible before-and-after photos as the ones we’ve got on this show,” said Hank. “It’s going to be epic!”

Despite his enthusiasm for the new project, Apostle Hank cautions the public against watching the show.

“TV is a sin straight from the pit of Hell,” said Hank before pausing for a moment to think. “Then again, anyone who isn’t a member of our church is going there anyway, so I guess you might as well tune in.”

The first episode airs this Sunday at 8 right after a new program called Pawn Stars: Waco, Texas and right before the ever popular Jonestown Pickers. 

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