Millions of Canada geese, that beloved symbol of all that is good and decent about our fair country, have returned home this week to completely shit over absolutely everything.
“The purpose of these geese in our eco-system,” explained conservationist Lee Schmidt, “is to coat your windshield in a thick layer of shit. Also park benches and sidewalks.”
Apparently, the geese see widespread defecation as an act of patriotism.
“It’s just one way of giving back to the community,” said head spokesgoose Gordon McGoose. “We’re just here to spread a little love into your lives…and onto your patios, golf courses and children’s sandboxes.”
Gordon said he was especially fond of the giant pond outside the Mennonite Heritage Village in Steinbach.
“We’re hitting that place up hard this year,” said Gordon. “We’ve got to show our love to those Mennonites in Steinbach.”
Canadians across the country will spend the next six months scraping goose crap off the bottom of their shoes until the geese, Canada’s most recognized ambassadors, leave for the United States and Mexico this fall.