Conservative Mennonites across North America are interpreting tonight’s blood moon as a ‘clear sign from God’ that they no longer have to follow the ‘bullshit rules’ of the elders and can now live life as they please.
“Finally! I’ve been waiting all my life for something like this,” said Peter Wiebe, drinking his first martini at the ripe old age of 73. “The elders can’t do anything to me now!”
The blood moon is being used to justify all sorts of more progressive interpretations of scripture, including the “radical” idea that women should have equal status in the church and all facets of Mennonite life.
“Blood moon or not, Mrs. Friesen is preaching this Sunday!” said one congregant, seen for the first time without her bonnet. “Oh, and I’m sitting where I darn well please, too.”
The blood moon also signals the end of the horse-and-buggy, mandatory evening services, and overly literal interpretations of the first two chapter of Genesis.
“Quite frankly, the blood moon is just an excuse,” said Wiebe. “We’ve been waiting for our chance to shake things up for quite the while now. Here’s our chance.”
Meanwhile, all the legalistic elders are proclaiming that the blood moon actually means a return to the old ways…but no one cares what they have to say anymore.