COLORADO SPRINGS, CO
Noted evangelical psychologist and Focus on the Family founder Dr. James Dobson reports he’s pretty sure that feared fifth century tyrant Attila the Hun was a devout Christian the whole time he was pillaging and ransacking Europe.
“Actions are meaningless. If someone says something-anything really-I believe it, so I’ll take Attila at his word,” claimed Dobson, at a press conference he called so that he could be the first to report the unlikely conversion.
This is the not the first time Dobson has taken it upon himself to publicize dubious claims of spiritual transformation. In the past, Dobson has also reported the timely conversions of presidential candidate Donald Trump and serial-killer Ted Bundy.
“If Attila or Donald or Ted claim to have said the believer’s prayer, who am I to say they’re only doing to it gain favour with the electorate or get out of receiving the electric chair?” pondered Dobson. “Basically my philosophy is that I believe and report whatever I think is beneficial to the future success of the Republican Party…or the reputation of serial killers and historic despots.”
Attila, also known as the ‘Scourge of God,’ conquered much of Europe during his reign, leaving a trail of blood in his wake, before being murdered by his own wife in the year 453 after even she couldn’t put up with his crap anymore. Dobson says all of this was one big misunderstanding and that the American people should not judge Attila so harshly.
“I’m thinking of doing an Adventurers in Odyssey episode about Attila under the ‘Tyrants for the Lord’ series,” explained Dobson. “It’s time we celebrate all the total d-bags who, despite all appearances to the contrary, claimed to be followers of Jesus when it was particularly convenient for them.”
Dobson is also planning to resurrect the reputations of Caligula, Pol Pot, Nestor Makhno, and Kim Jun Il, all of whom “might be Christians if you stand back a hundred yards and squint a little while thinking about Mother Theresa.”
(Photo credit: Upliano Checa/CC)