BLACK HILLS, SD
Four new faces are set to be blasted into the rock at Mount Rushmore this fall. After a long consultation process, a committee has selected the names of Menno Simons, Conrad Grebel, Jakob Amman and Jakob Hutter.
“There’s plenty of bare rock up there we haven’t already defaced,” said Mount Rushmore spokesperson Leon Butler. “We might as well add on some pictures of long dead Anabaptists that most people have never even heard of.”
Simons, Grebel, Amman, and Hutter will join the likes of Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and Roosevelt at a cost of $30 million per head. There has also been some discussion of adding two others, but this would mean removing two Presidents.
“We can make some more room if we remove Washington and Jefferson,” explained Butler. “If it means getting Felix Manz up there, I’m all for it.”
Opportunistic locals have already begun selling miniature models of the new 8-headed Rushmore.
“They’re just $40, or $5 a head,” said Mr. Jansen. “For an extra five bucks I’ll even chisel your Aunt Bertha on there is you want.”
A protest had been planned for this weekend by people demanding that Robert E. Lee be put up there instead.