Mennonite elders aren’t usually too keen on drinking, and even though they’ve got no Scripture to back it up, they punish offenders very severely for even the slightest infraction. For example, just last week, Mrs. Unger was made to scrub down kitchen floors for every member of the board after Elder Krahn smelled a bit of mouthwash on her breath.
But with a bit of knowhow and an ounce of courage, there are ways of getting around these rules. Here are five beverages you can easily sneak past the elders.
- Guinness – As long as you’re willing to throw in a few ice cubes and drink it with a straw, the elders will be fooled into thinking it’s a Papsi. Mennonite elders are unaware that beer comes in any other colours and flavours other than piss yellow. It also helps if you allow the head to dissipate.
- Bloody Mary – Since it’s mostly vegetables, the Bloody Mary is one drink you can easily pass off as Old Mr. Penner’s tomato juice miracle cure. Plus, recent research has shown that the Bloody Mary is every bit as effective as whatever the heck was in Mr. Penner’s backyard elixir.
- Straight vodka – If your elders are particularly nosy, this is your safest bet. It looks just like water. As long as you don’t serve it in a cocktail glass or add an olive, you should be fine. Also…stirred not shaken. Shaken is too much like dancing.
- White Russian – This cocktail, made famous in The Big Lebowski, consists of vodka, Kahlua and milk. As long as you don’t go too heavy on the Kahlua, you should be able to pass it off as farm fresh whole milk. Plus, you can even call it a White Russian in public and, unless you’re in Swiss Mennonite territory, the elders will be mighty impressed. “Ah, yes, the old country,” they’ll say. Just don’t allow them to take a sip.
- Absinthe – You can easily pass this one off as medicine. First, there’s the spoon, which will remind the elders of their boyhood cough syrups. You’ve got a sugar cube, or sockastekja, as the elders call it, which always helps the medicine go down. And to top if all off absinthe is made from anise, which is every Mennonite’s go-to ingredient for home remedies and for flavouring chicken soup. This one checks off so many boxes of elder approval, that we’ve declared it the Ultimate Fool the Elders Drink. It’s too bad it tastes disgusting.
As always, please closet-drink responsibly.