Young Man on Life Support after Dangerous Game of Russian Mennonite Roulette

HERBERT, SK

One young man is on life support at the Herbert Hospital after a late night game of Russian Mennonite Roulette did not go as planned. Arnold Vogt, 20, was rushed to Emergency with severe abdominal pain after consuming a bowl of mysterious contents from Oma Dueck’s freezer.

“They’re a bunch of hungry young men–I understand that,” said Dr. Timothy Unger. “But they need to take precautions when eating random substances from grandma’s deepfreeze.”

Apparently it’s not uncommon for young Mennonite men to raid their grandmother’s pantry or refrigerator late at night and eat whatever they find, but Dr. Unger says this practice presents far too big a risk.

“Nine times out of ten it might be just fine, but if you grab the wrong item, well, you’re taking your life into your hands,” explained Unger. “The labels fall off, so you really can’t identify what you’re eating. You might think it’s a lovely Schaubel Sup or Honig Kuchen, when really it’s uncooked chicken stock or rancid Schmooa Kumpst from the late 90s.”

Vogt’s companions, who were not injured during the incident, say it may have been an ice cream pail of cabbage borscht and sour cream that triggered the violent reaction.

“This time it was Arnold. Next time it might be me,” said Vogt’s friend, who did not wish to be identified. “I made it through the evening just fine after eating what I think was a bowl of Butta Zup, but I guess Arnold just grabbed the wrong margarine container.”

Experts say the odds of surviving a game of Russian Mennonite Roulette are very low and decrease the more you play.

“We’ve got to educate Mennonites about the dangers of raiding their grandma’s freezers,” said Dr. Unger. “It’s like you’re playing with a loaded weapon. It’s just not safe.”