Winnipeg Hipsters Pay Big Bucks to Milk Cows

WINNIPEG, MB

Always seeking “authentic old school” experiences, the hipster population of Winnipeg is now venturing outside the Perimeter to milk cows in rural Manitoba. Mennonite farmers in the region have been eager to capitalize on this new source of income.

“They all cram into a ’93 Suburu and show up at the farm ready to get their hands on some udders,” said farmer Earl Reimer of Reinland. “It’s great! I charge them $50 a head and then just sit back and watch them do all the work.”

Winnipeg resident Luke Jacob Thiessen explains why cow milking appeals to hipsters like him.

“It’s soothing. You squat there in a barn, get down behind that cow, and just squeeze,” said Thiessen. “My New Balance sneakers may get a little dirty, but that’s a small price to pay for all this indie cow milking cred.”

Farmer Earl Reimer says the cow milking experience is really catching on and he’s now offering hipsters the chance to gather eggs and feed the pigs as well.

“Hey, if they want to come here and pay to do all my chores for me while I sit on my ass and spin a few Hank Williams tunes, I’m not going to stop them,” said Reimer. “So they waste time taking a lot of selfies. Who cares? I haven’t had this much free labour since my youngest daughter Jessica got married.”

According to sources, Jessica is now living in an Exchange District condo, eating at Boon Burger, and incessantly listening to Arcade Fire.