What if Alexa was Mennonite?

WINKLER, MB

Researchers in Winkler have hacked an Amazon Alexa Personal Assistant and implanted it with the voice of their Oma Gerta Sawatzky. The new Amazon Gerta is available in fine Mennonite retailers everywhere. Here are few questions you can ask Gerta.

Hey, Gerta, what’s the weather like today?

  • Gerta: Oba, you’re going to really need to bundle up for sure yet. (Editor’s note: Gerta says this no matter what the temperature is.)

Hey, Gerta, what should I have for dinner tonight?

  • Gerta: That’s a silly question, Andrew. You always dine a Shackan Shaf.

Gerta, sing Hymn 606.

  • Gerta: Praise God from whom all blessing flow. Praise him all creatures here belong. Praise him above, ye heavenly host. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Amen. (Editor’s note. You need to sync up four Amazon Alexas to do this properly).

Hey, Gerta, how do I get from Reinland to Gretna?

  • Gerta: Hitch up the wagon and head east on the gravel road behind the old Pankratz place. Count five mile roads, then go south past the Penner lagoon until you get to the Schanzenschultz sausage factory, then cross the ditch and head another few miles east. Be careful not to get stuck or you’ll have to get Corner Wiebe to pull you out and he always expects something in return. Turn south. If you arrive at the border, you’ve gone too far. Turn back. Follow the sound of hymn-singing coming from MCI. Once the hymn-singing is nice and loud you know you arrived in Gretna. Have a bite to eat a Nora’s before attending the evening service at the Bergthaler church yet.

Gerta, what time is it in Molotschna?

  • Nah, junges, it’s well past your bedtime whatever time it is.

Hey, Gerta, should I marry the Klassen girl?

  • Well, the Klassens are great breeding stock, but I know you’ve always had your eye on that Klippenstein girl from over by Neubergthal. Proceed with caution. Those Klippensteins can be a little wild and the last thing you want is a feisty Klippenstein. If the Klassen girl will have you it might be your best bet. But, then, don’t forget about the Reimer sisters. I know they’re not much to look at, but old Mr. Reimer is on the elder board and that counts for a lot. I leave the decision up to you, but Klassens are always a good choice.

(photo credit: Best AI Assistant/CC)

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