Voters Head to the Polls to Select the 45th Lesser Evil of the United States

PARIS, TX

In a potentially historic election, American voters will head to the polls today to select the new Lesser Evil of the United States.

“I’m confused,” said local rancher and undecided voter Dwight Owens, 37, of Paris, Texas. “Just which one of these candidates is less likely to flush our country completely down the toilet? Someone please help.”

The United States has been governed by Lesser Evils for the past few centuries, with a few notable exceptions like Abraham Lincoln who wasn’t evil at all and Richard Nixon who was elected as ‘the Worse Evil.’

“Every four years it’s like this,” said voter Erin Caplan of Salem, Oregon. “Do I want the former reality TV star who’s bankrupted more companies that I can count, or the unlikable career politician who plays around with national security like it’s a Nintendo game?”

As the US population approaches 320 million the task of selecting which Lesser Evil will serve for the next four years becomes increasingly difficult.

“At least we have term limits,” said Caplan, “so that once in a while we can select a new person we think is not quite as wicked as the other one. I love democracy.”

(Photo Credit: by Andrew Dupont )