The Daily Bonnet is Running for Mayor of Steinbach: Here’s My Platform!

STEINBACH, MB

With long-serving mayor Chris Goertzen announcing he is not running for re-election in 2018, the Steinbach mayoral race is up for grabs. So far, current city councillors John Fehr and Earl Funk have thrown their names into the hat. (And I mean that literally. In Steinbach we decide mayors like we decide church elders…by praying and then pulling a name out of Reverend Friesen’s fedora.)

Quite a few people have stopped me in the church lobby or MCC store and said, ‘oba, Andrew, you’re the second most influential person in Steinbach after the EMBC pastor, so you should run yet!’ Well, I’ve thought about it long and hard and I’ve decided I am officially running for mayor of Steinbach yet! And, boy, do I have some plans for the place. Let me tell you.

  • First thing I’ll do is fully fund the Performing Arts Centre. Oba, a city our size needs a place for performing Arts. Art Wiebe. Art Loewen. Art Kornelsen. These are talented men who need a place to perform. I know some people want a Performing Abes Centre, but I say, “Gives Arts a Chance!”
  • Secondly, I will fill the water tower with schmaunt fat. Steinbach is well known for its high quality water. It’s by far the least rotten egg-smelling water in southern Manitoba. But we can’t get complacent. If we really want to attract young families, we’ve got to let the schmaunt fat flow!
  • Sod huts pay no property tax! The mansions in Georgetown won’t seem so attractive with my new tax incentive. Build a sod hut? Pay no taxes. Simple as that. Of course you won’t get your sidewalk cleared, garbage picked up, or access to the library, schools, paved roads, or our world renowned wild bear removal services, but, hey, it’ll be worth it!
  • I will convince Led Zeppelin to reunite and play at Summer in the City. We’ve had some truly legendary performers at Summer in the City: Burton Cummings, Tom Cochrane, that Beatles tribute band….But how about Led Zeppelin? I can’t think of a more apropos location for a performance of “Stairway to Heaven” than Main Street in Steinbach.
  • I will visit your grandmother. Every Sunday afternoon I will make my rounds at the local senior’s homes and visit your grandmothers for you. I will get fat. But, more importantly, I will also get votes. Everyone knows no one under 60 votes in municipal elections. Sad.
  • I’m bringing in Sunday shopping. Just watch me.
  • A swear jar. Every time someone in Steinbach swears (‘Dietschlaund, Diewel, Waut de schissjat’, etc.) they will have to put a nickel into the swear jar located next to the horse statues on Reimer Avenue. The money will fund a new arena and a splash park for adults at A.D. Penner Park.
  • I will move to reconcile with Winkler. Winkler mayor Kim Jung Unrau and I will hold a neutral meeting somewhere in the old Scratching River Reserve. If everything goes as planned I fully expected to be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize in the near future.

So, who’s with me?!

Do I have your vote?

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