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Church

New Pill Cures Hymnal Dysfunction

January 2, 2019 Andrew J. Bergman

MOUNTAIN LAKE, MN As Mennonite men age, many of them experience a decreased ability to hold a hymnal upright during the service. Doctors in Mountain Lake say Hymnal Dysfunction affects one in three men over […]

Church

Local Heart Surgeon Locates Jesus

December 1, 2018 Andrew J. Bergman

WINKLER, MB A local surgeon has finally discovered the exact location of Jesus in the human heart. Just this past week, Dr. Penner opened up Mr. Klassen’s ticker and found Jesus. “Scientists have been trying […]

The Outside World

Manitoba Hockey Fan Emerges from House for the First Time in Many Months

May 21, 2018 Andrew J. Bergman

NIVERVILLE, MB Local hockey fan Peter Klassen, 48, left his house for very first time in months, after the Winnipeg Jets lost to the Vegas Golden Nights on Sunday afternoon. “Ach, the light, the bright […]

Food and Drink

Mennonite CPAP Machine Provides Continuous Flow of Schmaunt Fat

January 10, 2018 Andrew J. Bergman

HERBERT, SK Cardiologists in the small town of Herbert, Saskatchewan are testing out a new CPAP machine that would provide Mennonites with a continuous flow of schmaunt fat while they sleep. Local man Dale Broesky […]

Food and Drink

New Mennonite EpiPen Injects Emergency Supply of Schmaunt Fat

October 27, 2016 Andrew J. Bergman

PLUM COULEE, MB Mennonites throughout southern Manitoba have been lining up outside local pharmacies to get their hands on a newly redesigned EpiPen that injects an emergency supply of schmaunt fat straight into the user’s […]

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Mannanite News Yet!

  • McCartney Cancels Show in Mennonite Town Over Lack of Vegetarian Options
    July 21, 2017
  • How Many of These Common Mennonite Foods Have You Tried?
    February 24, 2018
  • Mennonite Sniper Sets Record for World’s Longest Deliberately-Missed Shot
    June 24, 2017
  • Mennonite Brethren and General Conference Sign Massive Free Trade Deal
    October 13, 2017
  • Chaos Erupts After Pooper Scooper is Confused for BBQ Tongs
    May 22, 2017
February 2019
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