Surly Mennonite Man Plans to Ruin Christmas for All the Children at Church Tonight

TANNENAU, MB

A zealous Mennonite man at the local EMBBM church will be taking time out of his busy schedule of handing out tracts to strangers at the mall, to stop and tell each and every child at the Christmas Eve service tonight that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

“They’ve got to know the truth,” said Elmer B. Barkman. “And the truth is their parents are evil despicable liars! So that’s just what I tell them.”

Barkman uses techniques like pretending to catch their noses or placing his hands over their eyes and asking them to guess who it is, as a segue to explain that “Santa Claus is really Satan.”

“They need to know the horrible awful truth,” said Barkman. “If their parents are going to deceive them like this, then it’s my job to set them on the proper path!”

Barkman plans to ask sweet little Bethany what Santa is bringing her for Christmas tonight. When she answers, “a pony,” Barkman intends to fly into a rage making graphic allusions to the four horsemen of the Apocalypse.

The EMBBM Pastor has tried to curb Barkman’s behaviour in the past by asking him to calm down and mind his own business, but so far Barkman has not been not disuaded.

“Pastor Mike is more or less a heretic anyway,” said Barkman. “It’s time that people learned the real meaning of the season – being a complete jackass to every one you know. Merry Christmas!”