Solar Eclipse Caused by Mennonites with Black Paint, Scientists Claim

MARKHAM, ON

Today’s rare total solar eclipse has scientists questioning previously-held theories on the origins of such phenomena. According to a recent study out of the University of Markham, the most likely cause of eclipses of this sort are the so-called ‘Black Bumper’ Mennonites.

“For years we thought these eclipses were caused by the moon blocking out the light of the sun,” said astronomer Dr. Sally Lehman, “but recent solar probes have consistently returned traces of black paint and this leads us to just one possible candidate: the Mennonites.”

Some of the more conservative branches of Mennonites, such as the Weaverland Old Order Church, are known for painting their chrome bumpers black. It was this peculiar practice that led Dr. Lehman to suspect them as the origin of today’s solar eclipse.

“They’ve been painting everything black, not just their bumpers, but their buggies, their hats, and their suits, too,” said Dr. Lehman. “It was only natural that they’d seek to blot out the sun.”

These particular Mennonites view shiny surfaces such as chrome as “worldly” and, after a recent revival of piety, are believed to have taken an aversion to the shininess of the sun as well.

“Ach, it’s far too bright yet,” said one Old Order elder. “All that yellowness and shimmer is simply not necessary.”

The doctrine has a long-standing tradition in the church, dating back at least to arrival of the Rolling Stone’s song back in the spring of 1966.

(photo credit: Yutaka Tsutano/CC)