Rapture Occurs Just Before Newlyweds Have a Chance to Consummate the Marriage

ABBOTSFORD, BC

Every chaste young man’s biggest fear came true last night as Eric Dueck and Sarah Loewen were miraculously raptured just moments before they were able to consummate their marriage.

“I just knew this would happen,” said 21-year-old Eric, who had been waiting for this moment ever since he heard about this thing called sex from Pastor Dave during pre-marital counselling.

The rapture took place just after the reception in the MB church basement. According to traditional Anabaptist doctrine, the Bible clearly teaches that in Heaven people will “neither marry nor be given in marriage, but instead they will be like angels.”

“Yeah…and angels don’t have sex,” said a disappointed Eric from his heavenly perch. “It’s true that I didn’t know much about it, but I would have at least liked to have been given the chance to learn.”

His new wife Sarah, however, was not as concerned about the situation as her earthly husband.

“I have to admit, for me, it was a relief,” said Sarah. “That was one thing about marrying Eric that I was a little nervous about, but now I don’t have to worry. I’m just glad my floral arrangements turned out the way I had planned.”

Eric said he’s glad to be in Heaven but wishes he and Sarah had snuck off to the Days Inn sometime between the ceremony and the reception.

“Ugh. We had like three hours and all we were doing is taking photographs,” said Eric. “I think we should have had our priorities straight.”