Pool Table Discovered in Church Elder’s Basement

REINLAND, MB

Mr. Klaas Reimer has been asked to hand in his letter of resignation from the local Mennonite church board this week after a pool table was discovered in the basement of his Reinland bungalow.

“I’m surprised he was able to hide it for so long,” said fellow board member Peter Wiebe. “Whenever I visited, it was covered with a piece of plywood and, oba, Martha would lay out quite the spread: pickles, ham slices, cheese…I realize now this was all a clever diversion tactic.”

Mr. Reimer admits to having the pool table installed sometime in the late 1980s, but is pleading ignorance as to its sinfulness.

“If they can show me a verse that forbids pool tables, I will be happy to acknowledge my wrong-doing, but until then the pool table’s staying,” says Reimer. “Besides it’s way too heavy to haul out of here anyway.”

Reimer says he plays pool with some Englishers from Morden every Friday night after eleven PM.

“The rest of the elders are usually long asleep by then, so they never noticed before,” said Reimer. “Unfortunately last week Elder Jakob Krahn stopped by late at night to ask for my help because his sow was having trouble farrowing. That’s when he unearthed the pool table…”

At first, Krahn pretended not to notice so that Reimer would help him with the birthing of nine healthy piglets, but he immediately reported the finding to the board the next morning.

“I can’t believe he stabbed me in the back like that,” said Reimer. “There I was drying off these wet little piglets and getting my hands all up in that sow…and the whole time Jakob’s thinking about how he was going to turn me in in the morning. I feel betrayed.”

Reimer is hoping to save his position in the church by offering his basement for use as the new Youth Room.