Police Seize Massive Stockpile of Knitted Hangers

ALTONA, MB

Seven Mennonite grandmas from Altona were taken into custody by authorities this Monday after a massive stash of knitted hangers was discovered in the lobby of the local MB church. It was the largest bust of knitted hangers since the infamous Linden, Alberta incident back in 1976, which sent more than thirty people to the slammer.

“We were tipped off by a local Lutheran woman, who happened upon the knitted hangers while at the Mennonite church for an afternoon faspa,” said Altona police. “Quite frankly, I was shocked when I saw them. Fifty, sixty knitted hangers just hanging there out in the open. They weren’t even trying to hide them.”

The knitted hangers are considered a flaunting of wealth and unnecessary comfort in Mennonite communities, many of which have outlawed the knitting of hangers in favour of the more traditional wire or wooden variety.

“I don’t know how these grandmas got this idea of wrapping the wire hangers with cloth,” said local elder Hans Kehler. “Maybe they saw it on Pinterest or something.”

The grandmas have become known as the Mennonite Seven in the media and have been arraigned on charges of defacing public property and unnecessary decoration of a clothing receptical.

“We’ll take this all the way to the Supreme Court, if we have to,” said Mrs. Blatz. “It’s my constitutional right to cover wire hangers with bits of cloth leftover from the quilting bee!”

The Mennonite Seven were released on bail with a promise to appear and have been forbidden from entering a church lobby or hanging up anyone’s coats until the trial.

(photo credit: Matt Joyce/CC)