“Not Only Does the New iPhone Suck, But It’s Also a Sin”

LA CRETE, AB

While millions of people around the world clamour to get their hands on the latest Apple product, Mennonite leaders are working together with Samsung and others to convince congregants that the new iPhone 7, “totally sucks,” and is also quite worldly.

“I’ll be completely honest with you:¬†the new iPhone sucks and is also a sin…well, that’s what I call a twofer,” said Pastor Goertzen of La Crete, Alberta. “While the world seeks the newest and latest phone, which actually really bites, we will stick with Samsung Galaxy or the iPhone 6. It will be our way of being a light in the darkness.”

Rev. Goertzen, who moonlights at the local RadioShack, is warning his congregation not to trade in their old phones, at least not until their current plans expire, and to seriously considering getting the new Samsung Galaxy S7 instead, which he says is “much better and not as sinful.”

“We don’t use sucky or sinful phones in our community,” said Goertzen. “I know that many of you still have Blackberries and some poor souls even have a Windows phone, but we also know from the Scriptures that if we confess our sins, we will be forgiven and cleansed of all unrighteousness.”

Goertzen said he likes the improved camera on the new iPhone, but says that’s not nearly enough to get him to risk his eternal security.

“Many of us are tempted to upgrade¬†our phones,” said Goertzen, “but we must resist as long as possible so that the world will know that we are a chosen and separate people.”