While Hollywood gathers to dress up nice and congratulate itself, Russian Mennonites across North America are going to be celebrating their own Golden Globe Awards tonight. The Mennonite Golden Globes, held annually in the ritzy Clearbrook neighbourhood of Abbotsford, honour the best portzelky of the new year.
“I don’t care what fancy name the Englishers want to give them,” said perennial Golden Globe contender Mrs. Friesen. “They’ll always be known as Portzelky to me!”
Mrs. Friesen, who has been nominated for Best All-Around Portzelky every year for the past thirty years, is considered the Meryl Streep of Mennonite New Year’s Cookies.
“This year she’s up for Best Powdered Cookie and also Best Supporting Actress for her constant nagging of her daughter-in-law Bethany, who is just beginning to make Portzelky of her own,” said Golden Globe insider Anna Epp. “I’m really excited to see who takes home the top prize tonight!”
The Mennonite Golden Globes also include awards for Best Best Raisinless Portzelky for the pickier eaters, and many variations of sugary toppings.
“There’s an award for New Year’s Cookies that are sprinkled with a light dusting of white sugar, like the General Conferencers tend to do, and a separate award for the New Year’s Cookies that are thrown into a ziplock bag and tossed around until they’re completely coated with a thick layer of icing sugar. That’s the MB method,” said Anna Epp. “And don’t even get me started on Old Colony New Year’s Cookies. That’s almost like it’s own world out there!”
The Golden Globe are considered the second most prestigious Mennonite award after the Mennonite Oscars, which honour Tastiest Roll Kuchen, Snappiest Pickles, and Surliest Mennonite Uncle.