Mennonites Claim to Have ‘Invented Colin Kaepernick’

SAN FRANCISCO, CA

Days after 49ers quarterback Colin Keapernick exercised his democratic right of protest by refusing to get up on his feet for the national anthem, Mennonite leaders are claiming to have, “like totally invented that move.”

“National anthems are militaristic symbols of oppression and violence,” said a Goshen area pastor. “I can’t speak for everybody, of course, but I’ve been Kaepernicking for years.”

Although sitting out anthems has been practiced by Mennonites for centuries, millions of young Americans have been inspired by the quarterback’s recent protest and are spreading Kaepernicking across the country. Mennonite pastors are hoping to attract these peaceful protestors to their churches.

“Some Americans were under the assumption Tim Tebow invented prayer. Well, I hate to break it to you, but he didn’t. And Colin Kaepernick certainly isn’t the first man to sit out the singing of the national anthem,” said the pastor. “If we can harness this socially conscious energy and funnel it into church attendance, that would be fantastic!”

Still, not everyone is pleased with the protest, with some critics saying it’s “unpatriotic.”

“Kaepernick and the rest of those vile Anabaptists can just leave the country if they don’t like it,” said Donald Trump. “Oh, and by the way, America really really sucks and is in awful shape. It quite literally is the worst country in the world right now. Vote for me on November 8.”

Not wanting to be left out, the Jehovah’s Witnesses have also claimed to have “invented Colin Kaepernick.”

(Photo credit: by Gage Skidmore/CC)