Mennonite Woman Overdoses on Christmas Oranges

KLEEFELD, MB

Local woman Mrs. Helen F. Gerbrandt, 76, of the Kleefeld area was hospitalized yesterday after consuming more than thirty Mandarin oranges in a single sitting.

“She’s got way too much Vitamin C in her body,” said Dr. Thiessen. “She’s also got more than five times the recommended level of pantothetic acid than a woman her age should ever have.”

Regional health authorities are using the incident as a cautionary tale and are warning eager citrus-consuming Mennonites against eating too many Christmas oranges.

“We know they’re super tasty and really easy to open,” said the doctor. “But you’ve got to restrain yourself. There’s a reason grandma fills the Tüte with peanuts and only provides one lousy orange. It’s for your own good.”

Thiessen also reminded residents to refrain from eating pickles with milk and keep those Kinder Surprises out of the hands of young children and the elderly.

“Christmastime can be quite dangerous,” said Thiessen. “Let Mrs. Gerbrandt’s story serve as a warning to all you orange-addicts out there. Christmas oranges are not something to mess with, unless you want to spend the rest of your holidays in the Bethesda Hospital.”