Mennonite Man Subsists Entirely on Free Hot Dogs

STEINBACH, MB

For more than thirty years, local man Mr. F. Wiens has been a fixture at free hot dog giveaways across the Hanover area. From grand openings, open houses, church picnics, and political meet-and-greets, Mr. Wiens has never been left wanting for lack of free hot dogs.

“In that time, I haven’t spent a single penny at the grocery store,” said a proud and paunchy Wiens. “Most of these places even let you go back for seconds.”

Wiens often creates a fictitious wife, friend, or grandchild in order to justify taking three or four hot dogs at once.

“‘Oh, and I also need one for my Nettie waiting in the car,’ I tell them. They fall for it every time.”

Wiens says that he has on occasion supplemented his free hot dogs with free grocery store samples, but for the most part the hot dogs have been bountiful and sufficient for his needs.

“I don’t know why more people don’t do this,” said Wiens. “All you have to do is pretend to be a credit union member or feign an interest in a new set of tires and you can dine like a king.”

Wiens estimates he’s consumed more than 35,000 hot dogs in his life and claims, of all those dogs, the free Ted Falk hot dogs are at the top of the heap.

“They’re even better than the EMC church dogs,” said Wiens. “Let me tell you, I’ve had many a hot dog in my day, but nothing beats a good Ted Falk dog with a generous dollop of French’s mustard.”

Mr. Wiens says he’s more than willing to consider voting for the Liberal party if they up their hot dog game before the next election.

(photo credit: Beth Punches/CC)