Mennonite Man Sells Tomato Juice Miracle Cure

KLEEFELD, MB

They’re calling him ‘Tomato Juice Penner’ and people are coming from miles around to purchase his ‘miraculous’ tomato juice elixir.

“Step right up, folks. Step right up. Have I got the stuff for you,” said old Mr. Penner to a crowd of gullible Mennonites in his Kleefeld driveway. “Peter Penner’s Tomato Juice Liniment works wonders on a sore back or sore throat or toothache. It cures neuralgia, sciatia, rheumatism and lumbago. It provides instant relief for nausea, heartburn, upset stomach, and even diarrhea.”

Mennonites¬†backed their pickup trucks to Penner’s garage and loaded them with gallons of the miracle sauce.

“Who needs doctors and so-called ‘science’ when you’ve got Peter Penner’s Tomato Juice cure-all?” said one customer.¬†“I’ve seen all the evidence I need that this tomato juice stuff really works. After all it took Mr. Penner from a sod hut to a fully-furnished housebarn in just six months. If that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what it is!”

It’s not known what other ingredients are in the elixir, but rumours say Tomato Juice Penner consulted with the local trajchtmoaka for advice.

“Mennonites and science don’t mix,” said Mr. Penner. “Dubious claims made by members in good standing at the local church, however, are always taken seriously.”

Local physicians have warned Mennonites to carefully consider what they’re putting into their bodies, but the doctors’ claims were immediately dismissed as “the wisdom of the world” and completely disregarded by the population.

“I’d much rather trust whatever Mr. Penner concocts in this dirty bucket than I would ever trust a real ‘doctor.'”

Photo by darkday.