Mennonite Man Nails ’95 Theses’ to the Door of Local Church

CLEARSPRING, MB

500 years after the Protestant Reformation began, area man Martin Loewen was so fed up with what he claimed were lapses from the truth faith that he nailed a list of 95 things he’d like to see changed on the door of his local Mennonite church. Loewen demanded the following changes:

  1. Bring back the hymnals.
  2. Sing all verses. No skipping verse three.
  3. No more of those ‘off-the-wall’ songs
  4. I’m especially sick of that song “Oceans”
  5. Guitar is fine, but it can’t be electric
  6. Electricity in general is very iffy
  7. I’m more or less against anything electric
  8. Drums absolutely do not belong in church, except that….
  9. I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell
  10. The church roof needs to be re-shingled
  11. My roof needs to be re-shingled.
  12. The church men’s ministry should do it
  13. And pay for it
  14. The pastor needs to smile more
  15. The pastor’s wife needs to smile less
  16. The pastor’s children need to squirm less during the service
  17. And help setting up the chairs and tables for faspa
  18. They seem like dirty loafers to me
  19. Mrs. Reimer needs to dress a little less sexy
  20. Or more sexy
  21. I’m a little conflicted about that
  22. I like it and I don’t like it
  23. Help please
  24. There need to be a lot more sermons about the wrath of God
  25. And judgement
  26. We don’t hear nearly enough about Hell these days
  27. I’d like to hear more sermons from the Old Testament in general
  28. And fewer sermons about ‘grace and love’
  29. I’ve certainly heard more than enough from 1 Corinthians 13
  30. Preach in Plautdietsch. English is worldly.
  31. The Sunday evening service needs to be at least an hour longer
  32. The longer we’re in church, the more points we gain
  33. I’ve got 13,450 points already.
  34. So, as I said, the evening service needs to be longer
  35. Except when there’s a Jets game on
  36. Then the services should be cancelled altogether
  37. More ham slices during faspa
  38. Fewer raisins per raisin bun
  39. Smaller wine servings during communion
  40. In fact, let’s just go with Welch’s grape juice and pretend it’s wine
  41. Also, please finally tell us exactly what The Book of Revelation is all about
  42. Then give me your full attention as I tell you after church in the lobby why you’re wrong
  43. The ushers should be taller and wear nicer ties
  44. The usherettes should cease ushering altogether
  45. The parking lot needs to be repaved
  46. And clean up the horse droppings while you’re at it
  47. More sword drills during Sunday School
  48. And fewer Veggie Tales videos
  49. That bathroom hand-dryer doesn’t work at all. Get one of those good ones.
  50. Bothwell Cheese during faspa
  51. None of this Walmart garbage
  52. The cheese has to be fresh
  53. I need to hear it squeak in my teeth
  54. That is if I had any teeth
  55. I mean dentures
  56. Whatever. The point remains the same
  57. Squeaky cheese good. Non-squeaky cheese bad.
  58. I’d also like to see more responsive readings
  59. And puppetry
  60. Get one of those guys who uses puppetry as an evangelistic tool to come and put on a performance
  61. At least once a month
  62. Also, more altar calls
  63. Play “Just As I Am” during the altar calls
  64. It usually works
  65. At least it worked on me
  66. I think the elders who sit up on the stage during the service should actually do something
  67. I mean, don’t just sit there
  68. It’s a little weird
  69. Why are they there?
  70. I’ve heard Mr. Sawatzky lets his son go to movies and listen to rock music
  71. I think Mr. Sawatzky should be made to stand in front of the church and confess his sins
  72. I think that’ll teach him
  73. Also, I’ve noticed a few ladies venturing over to the men’s side of the sanctuary
  74. Or at least looking in our direction
  75. This needs to stop
  76. It’s very distracting
  77. Especially Mrs. Reimer
  78. The way she smiles at me across the sanctuary makes me feel funny inside
  79. Like I start sweating and can’t even breathe and I get really nervous when she glances my way
  80. I don’t understand it
  81. Please don’t let me die alone
  82. And please do a better job of shoveling the sidewalk in front of the church during winter
  83. I nearly slipped last December
  84. And I wouldn’t want that to happen again
  85. At least sprinkle a little salt on there to melt the ice
  86. I don’t want to embarrass myself
  87. Especially not in front of Mrs. Reimer
  88. Oh, there I go again
  89. I don’t know what my problem is
  90. I’m nearly seventy-years-old
  91. I’ve never been married
  92. And neither has she
  93. I’m trying to teach the church a lesson
  94. Really say what’s on my mind
  95. But all I can think about is that 64-year-old lady in the flower dress. I just can’t get her out of my mind.

(Photo credit: by Keren_/CC)