A Mennonite Guide to Earning Your Salvation

New documents published by Conrad Grebel in the early 1500s have finally put to rest the age-old Mennonite question of how to go about earning your place in Heaven. While Calvinists believe that some people are “pre-destined” to go to Heaven, Mennonites have been a little less certain about the topic and thus many people feel there are things you can do to have a better chance of getting in there. As flawed as this theology might be, perhaps this simple scoring system will provide some struggling souls with solace.

  1. Living in one of the following places your entire life: Pennsylvania, Indiana, Ohio, Kansas, Manitoba, Ontario, Chihuahua, Paraguayan Chaco – 50 points
  2. Living in a city in any of these places – minus 30 points
  3. Attending church every single Sunday for 80 years – 100 points
  4. Missing a Sunday – minus 20 points for each Sunday missed
  5. Attending Sunday evening services without complaining – 30 points
  6. Complaining about attending evening services – minus 5 points for each occurrence
  7. Dressing modestly (Mrs. Penner’s definition of ‘modest’) – 100 points
  8. Dressing modestly (Erin Goertzen’s definition) – minus 30 points
  9. Faithful Sunday School attendance – 60 points
  10. Teaching Sunday School – 50 points (100 points if you had the Reimer twins in your class)
  11. Speaking fluent Plautdietsch or Pennsylvania German/Dutch – 75 points
  12. Knowing only the swears – 30 points
  13. Anytime you uttered one of those swears – minus 5 points
  14. Marrying another Mennonite – 50 points
  15. Remaining single and living with your other spinster sisters – 100 points
  16. Memorizing the Sermon on the Mount – 50 points
  17. Living it – 1000 points
  18. Being baptized sometime during your teen years – 50 points
  19. Being baptized in your early 20s just so you can get married – 20 points
  20. Being baptized as an infant – minus 100 points
  21. Going on a mission’s trip – 50 points (each, maximum 500)
  22. Paying for someone else’s mission’s trip – 10 points (each, maximum 100)
  23. Praying for someone else’s mission’s trip – 5 points (each, maximum 50)
  24. Praying against mission’s trips you don’t believe in – also 5 points (each, maximum 50)
  25. Each time you sang Hymn 606 – 1 point (maximum 500)
  26. Each time you sang ‘Stairway to Heaven’ – minus 5 points (no limit)
  27. Finishing the ‘Complete Works of Menno Simons’ – 100 points
  28. Understanding it – 100 points
  29. Serving as a Conscientious Objector during a major military conflict – 200 points
  30. Claiming to be a pacifist from the convenience and comfort of a modern democratic nation that doesn’t require you to kill anyone – 3 points
  31. Attending Bible School – 50 points
  32. Attending Seminary – minus 100 points
  33. Giving money to the poor – 1 point for every $100 (maximum 100 points)
  34. Stealing money from the offering plate – minus 100 points for every $1
  35. Stealing money from the offering pate and giving it to the poor – neutral
  36. Drinking in private – 5 points
  37. Drinking in public – also 5 points…don’t be a hypocrite 🙂
  38. Helping an old Oma across the street – 20 points
  39. Pretending to be an old Oma in need of help so that you give a nearby young person the opportunity to walk you across the street and, thus, earn points – 20 points
  40. Shunning the use of technology – 50 points
  41. Shunning those who use technology – 50 points
  42. Visiting elderly relatives in the hospital – 10 points (each to a maximum of 100)
  43. Bathing elderly relatives in the hospital – 20 points (each to a maximum of 200)
  44. Converting a heathen – 100 points
  45. Heathening a convert – minus 100 points
  46. Mowing the neighbour’s lawn – 5 points (each, maximum 50)
  47. Coveting the neighbour’s ass – minus 3 points (each occurrence, no limit)
  48. Coveting the neighbour’s wife – minus 5 points (each occurrence, no limit)
  49. Reading a King James Bible (1611 points)
  50. Reading a Martin Luther Bible (1534 points)

Points required to guarantee a spot in Heaven: 7777