Mennonite Grandmas Awarded $3 Billion in Man Bun Lawsuit

VANCOUVER, BC

After an exhausting three-month class action lawsuit, a BC patent court has ruled in favour of Mennonite Grandmas over the use of the man bun. The court awarded the Grandmas $3.2 billion in damages and the exclusive right to wear their hair in a bun.

“We’re very happy with the court’s decision,” said Grandma Penner of Abbotsford. “It’s about time those hipsters paid us for what is rightfully ours.”

The ruling means that hipsters across Canada must immediately cut off their man buns and pay $200 a month in damages retroactive to the time they first sported the man bun. A lawyer for the hipsters has said they plan to appeal the decision.

“Obviously we’re not impressed that the court ruled in favour of the Grandmas,” said lawyer Andrew W. Jameson-Smythe. “Throughout the trial we demonstrated that the hipster man bun is markedly different than the Mennonite grandma bun.”

The hipsters claimed that without the classic Mennonite hairnet, their man buns were not a trademark infringement. Grandma Penner, however, is not concerned about any possible appeal.

“The hipsters have no basis for an appeal,” said Grandma Penner. “We invented the bun and it’s ours to stay. It’s not about the money, really. I’m just glad I can finally walk the streets of Abbotsford without confusing some 20-year-old SFU student for Mrs. Berg.”

The grandmas also plan to sue young hipster women to prevent them from making hand-knitted scarves and socks.

(photo credit: by nan palmero /CC/modified)