Mennonite Church Bans Google Chrome

STRASBURG, PA

The leadership at South Strasburg EMB passed a resolution this week banning the use of the Google Chrome web browser. Church members caught using Google Chrome will be forced to paint their computer monitors black and repent in front of the entire congregation.

“We practice a simple faith represented by our use of Internet Explorer and the AskJeeves search engine,” said Pastor Hans Weaver. “Also, most of still have AOL email accounts.”

The South Strasburg church has noticed an increase in Chrome usage over the past year and are trying to address the problem before it gets out of hand.

“We’ve had a few backsliders who’ve been led astray with this Google Chrome stuff,” said Pastor Hans, “but I’m confident the Lord will bring them back into the fold of holiness and dial-up Internet.”

The anti-Chrome resolution was announced to a packed house of South Strasburgers this past Wednesday. Most understood and accepted the board’s decision.

“You have to think about the children,” said Mrs. Wenger. “We all know what Chrome usage leads to…and we’ve had too many unwanted pregnancies as it is. I say, ‘enough is enough!'”

The elder board has not yet voted on whether to ban flip-phones and Commodore 64s.

(photo credit: KOMUnews/CC)