The fake Santa at South Goshen Shopping Center was arrested Thursday night by the FBI on charges of espionage. It is believed that the mall Santa was asking Goshen-area children for state secrets.
“Have you been a good girl this year?” said the mall Santa to little Abigail Yoder. “Oh, yeah, and any idea what Trump’s gonna do about Crimea?”
The mall Santa was particularly interested in American foreign policy, often requiring the kids to sit on his knee without squirming and disclose information on everything from the Trans Pacific Partnership to Trump’s handling of the North Korea situation.
“Mommy, take me home! I don’t like this Santa,” said Abigail. “He uses big words and asks too many questions about global finance and nuclear proliferation!”
The Goshen Santa promised children the latest toys and electronics, but slipped up and revealed his identity when he told them he would be going from house to house in an Aeroflot jet.
“Who knows how many other Russians Santas are out there,” said FBI director Christopher Wray. “Until we catch them all, please report any mall Santa spotted with a flask of vodka or one of those big rabbit fur hats with the flaps over the ears.”
The FBI are also on alert for any suspicious-looking Marys and Josephs who might be doing more than just reminding us about the true meaning of Christmas.
(photo credit: Bailiwick Studios/CC)