A List of Hilariously Inappropriate Mennonite Names

Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Today, we’re going to go to the dark side, the sort of humour your Oma Klassen said was reserved for somewhere behind the barn. So take your smartphone and mosey on down behind the barn. You’ve got wi-fi out there, don’t you?

Let’s face it, as Mennonites our names can be pretty hilarious at times, at least for the immature and/or mildly intoxicated folks in the audience. But who among us hasn’t guffawed at a Harder-Dick or Fuchs-Siemens wedding before? These rather suggestive names are all real. They’re our friends, neighbours, and cousins. So, let’s get out there and celebrate these people and their hilariously inappropriate names!

10) Corny Reimer – Alright, so not really a suggestive name, but fun nevertheless. This man is born to have a hip-hop career. I guarantee you I would buy his rap album.

9) Menno Wall – I know that Trump is planning to build a wall to keep out the Mennonites. I’m guessing he’ll hire this guy.

8) Ona Bender – This Swiss Mennonite name goes against one of the basic principles of the Mennonite faith – keep your drinking a secret. Ms. Bender seems to be pretty bold about her binge drinking.

7) I.C. Toews – (In this case, pronounced “toes”) You could read this as “icy” or “I see”. Either way, a pretty fun name. Cover those toes, Ingrid!

6) Ivana Petkau – This silly Russian Mennonite from the city thinks cows are for petting. If she knows what’s good for her, she’d change her name to Ivana Milk-kau.

5) Ilona Nikkel – The most hilariously accurate Mennonite name. A Credit Union worker perhaps?

4) Isaac Peter Fast – Mr. I. P. Fast set a record for rapid expulsion of bodily fluids at the church picnic last spring. Prior to the event, he also set the record for non-alcoholic beer-drinking, with 24 cans consumed in just five minutes.

3) Peter Friesen – Mr. Friesen needs to get himself a pair of long-johns pronto! Or, perhaps he figured fifteen children was enough. I don’t blame him, but I do question his methods of birth control.

2) Dick Weaver – Another Swiss Mennonite with a fascinating name and, apparently, a remarkable talent. I’m not sure I’d like to see this man in action.

1) Anita and Harry DyckThese are the Queen and King of inappropriate Mennonite names and unlikely to be dethroned anytime, soon. That is unless Jack Harder finally convinces his neighbour Aileen to get hitched.