NEW YORK, NY
Following a $12 billion bid for the notorious news outlet, a group of pacifist Mennonite investors has successfully taken ownership of Fox News and are planning to turn it into a channel that promotes peace and harmony around the world.
“I’m not saying who is going to get fired, if anyone,” said new Fox News CEO Jay Lantz of Lancaster. “But we’re going to make it perfectly clear that we won’t have none of that sensationalistic war-mongering anymore. Anyone who does not oblige to our new direction will be asked to find employment elsewhere. But I’m not worried. I think we can even tame Bill O’Reilly.”
Critics of the merger warn that the new editorial stance may hurt the company’s bottom line, but the Mennonite investors appear unconcerned.
“People are reluctant to change. It’s like how everyone thinks the old Saturday Night Live cast was funnier than the current lineup, but over time people come along with it. It’s the same thing with the new and improved Fox News,” said Lantz. “I know it can be entertaining to be told there’s a terrorist behind every rock, but I think our new stance of telling people the truth is going to work out just fine.”
In addition to nuanced, evidence-based news, the new channel will also feature inspiring speeches by Martin Luther King Jr., Rigoberta Menchu, Gandhi, Menno Simons, and Dorothy Day.
“I know that twelve billion dollars is a lot to pay for Fox News,” said Lantz. “But it’s a small price to pay for peace, love, and understanding.”
(Photo credit: by jasoneppink/CC)