“Expiration Dates Are Just Recommendations,” Claims Mennonite Woman

YARROW, BC

For the past few decades, Mrs. Penner has been amassing a huge collection of expired food items in her refrigerator and pantry. The problem, it seems, is Mrs. Penner’s extreme distrust of so-called “expiration dates.”

“‘Best before’ don’t mean nothing to me!” exclaimed an excited Mrs. Penner. “They just put that on there to fool us into buying another jug of milk. Only a sucker would fall for that. It’s the oldest trick in the book!”

Mrs. Penner’s refrigerator contains a wide range of dairy products she’s had around for ages, while the highlight of her dry panty collection is a vintage box of Honeycomb cereal from the mid-80s.

“My kids didn’t finish it, so I just kept it,” said Mrs. Penner. “I’ve also got a great selection of thirty-year-old canned goods. There’s no sense in throwing away perfectly good Alpha-Getti.”

Mrs. Penner believes that Best Before dates are “merely recommendations” and should not be taken seriously.

“The old sniff test has never steered me wrong,” said Mrs. Penner. “There may be an expiration date on food products, but thankfully there’s no expiration date on common sense!”

Mrs. Penner is inviting the entire Yarrow EMMB church over for a delicious faspa this Sunday. She’s asking all the church ladies to come a bit early to help cut the “green parts” off the bologna.

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