Early Results Show Mennonite Pastor in Commanding Lead

DAYTON, VA

After just seventeen votes counted, CNN reports that Reverend Johan Wisler has a commanding lead for Presidency of the United States.

“This is a complete shocker,” said CNN’s Wolf Blitzer. “Based on these seventeen or eighteen votes I think we can make it official: CNN now projects Mennonite Pastor Johan Wisler will be elected the 45th President of the United States.”

The CNN team quickly sent a reporter to the barn where Wisler and a few close friends were listening to the results on an old transistor radio.

“This is the biggest election upset in the history of the United States,” said Blitzer. “Oh, wait. Sorry, folks, just a second here. Exit polls in Lancaster County are now showing significant support for Reverend Peter Yoder. Stay tuned. This is earth-shattering news!”

CNN then said they may have been a bit premature in declaring Wisler the winner, though with the tight race in Florida, they said it was entirely possible he will come out ahead by the end of the night.

“You just never know with these types of things – oh, just a second. I’m sorry to interrupt, Wolf,” said some other CNN guy. “But we just found out that people have been changing the channels so I’ve got to interrupt here and come up with something to say…”

He, too, was interrupted by more news of something incredible in some county no one cares about and has no significance on the election, before being interrupted by a report that Wolf Blitzer really has to go to the bathroom, before being interrupted to declare the men’s room is all out of toilet paper and, oh, yeah, he was all wrong about everything and…

Well, by this time I’m sure you all shut off the TV and went to bed, right?

(Photo credit: Mennonite Church USA/CC/Modified)