Donald Trump Replaces Entire NFL With Russian Ballerinas

WASHINGTON, DC

Just days after calling on NFL owners to fire players who kneeled during the national anthem, President Trump issued an executive order terminating the contract of every player in the NFL and replacing them with Russian ballerinas.

“If you don’t stand for the anthem, you’re not going to be allowed to tackle sweaty men for a living, it’s as simple as that,” said Trump. “As Americans, we stand for stuff, which is why I’m also banning sitting while praying, riding the subway, or peeing.”

Trump did not want his decision to affect the enjoyment of fans, however, which is why he was quick to find a replacement for all 1700 players.

“I’ve got my connections in Russia,” said Trump. “You should see these ladies jump and leap. They’re tremendous! It’s gonna revolutionize the game. Putin wanted to send me hockey players, but I insisted he send me the Bolshoi instead.”

The 2017 NFL season resumes next Sunday with a performance of Swan Lake. Prior to the opening kickoff, attendees will be expected to stand and salute the flag during the singing of Госуда́рственный гимн Росси́йской Федера́ции.