Conservative Mennonite Sect Bans ‘Papsi’ and ‘Ravel’ Bars

BLUMENFELD, MB

The leadership of a particularly pious group of Mennonites in southern Manitoba have recently announced a complete ban on the drinking of Pepsi and consumption of chocolate Revello ice cream bars. After eliminating every other vice known to man, these two sins were the only ones left.

“I see the more liberal Mennonites sipping their cans of Papsi and eating their Ravels, ice cream melting and dripping down onto their slacks,” said elder Peter Pete Peters. “It’s just disgusting.”

A longstanding treat for Mennonite young people, the ‘Papsi and Ravel’ combination was seen by the sect as a gateway to the pleasures of the flesh and, thus, to eternal damnation.

“For too long we’ve tolerated sinfulness in our community,” explained Peters. “How can we be distinct from the rest of the society if we’re drinking Papsi and eating Ravels on a hot summer’s day like everyone else? It’s far too weltlijch.”

In response, the rebel Mennonites in the community have been hiding two-litre bottles of Pepsi in back behind the bales in Johnny Harms’ parent’s barn. The ice cream bars are being hidden in Frida Loewen’s root cellar, although what with the chickens pecking at them and the inadequate refrigeration they are said to be past their prime.

(Photo Credit: by Just Another Wretch/CC)